Recently

I swear everytime something good happens to me its like i have to pay a price for it to happen. I've been getting worse but i guess its just school starting and whatever. Its unbearable. I'm dating my best friend now and thats fun and all, I love him very much but sometimes i worry about him alot. I have so many things in my life that i stress about and it just ends up in me like isolating myself because I just 😭 i just cant 😭😭😭😭😭😢😢😢 I cant be left alone with myself because i hate myself and im gay and ill probably end up cutting myself like a loser what is WRONG with me 😢😢. can somebody just kill me already I cannot live like this for any longer. At home its all fights, yelling, crying and i have to help everybody lock in and reconcilliate. I have to parent everybody in my household even myself because my parents are so immature and unable to communicate. I have to protect my brother and myself when and if it gets physical which happens sometimes and im so tired of it. So i stay at school longer or i make the most out of my time away from home but it just ends up with my teachers molesting me with work. Its like every day its a new test/exam and then 60 pages of work after that and if thats what its going to be like for the rest of the year i really don't know what im going to do. Ontop of that I have no friends that talk to me outside of school lit nobody likes me bro what is this. AND on top of that i get mogged on the daily FML 😢😢😭 bro what IS THIS?! And i have nobody to tell this to because everybody in my life wants to kill themselves already so its like shit bruh lets all die together. theres just so many things saufghdkj what did i do to deserve this man. Now ontop of the fact that everyone i know is insane and retarded IM retarded aswell. how am i gonna be 15 and cutting myself bro what is this why am i like this. Whole house mad istg All i do all day is distract myself from my mind and everything thats going on but its starting to get harder to do that because I have nothing going on for me plus like how the fuck am i gonna ignore the fact that my parents want to kill eachother and then prolly kill me and my brother in the process. Yo 😭

Completion

I recently (well just a few seconds ago) just like processed this feeling that I get, after watching the proximity to god video again. And it made me realise that I get that same feeling and now i need to put it out on paper or else I'll lose my mind. I will draw out my thought process. okay wait im going to finish talking to my friend about it and ill explain. Okay its been like 3 days and i thought about it. Let me explain : We all start at a baseline where we all regularly are, but certain things can start the feeling of your soul being pulled upwards. To me most of the time it happens with music, or I feel an emotion so strongly (usually sadness) that I start tp feel the pull. I was talking to one of my other friends about it and she gets the feeling of the pull when she drinks. I think that drugs could possibly start the feeling of the pull for me, but I don't really want to find out because all of my family are tweakers and I've been addicted to alcohol. Anyways, The pull pulls you towards another state if you will, and for me atleast it feels like my souls at rest and im finally done. Usually my breath stops and I have a bodily reaction in my torso you could say. The few times it happened without music was when I was lost in the woods and I thought I saw god, and I was overocme with this feeling and 'completion' and i felt the pull. Other times i've felt the pull was when I was close to death. But not everything gives me the same amount of pull towards god. I'm just saying god because I don't have another name for it. Some things only give me like 25% of the pull, but theres a line where I just feel the pull in my head and then I start to have a bodily reaction. Usually i feel like I need to throw up or curl up into a ball. And once you cross that line it begins the push towards god, and I essentially start to spiral. I just cannot stop thinking of the thing that started the push or I just tweak out. The reason why I think that is, is because usually the pull starts when I'm extremely sad or when it triggers something in my mind. Anyways, Sadness and completion is the barrier between just the pull and then trancesnding to the other part. Theres and opening when I have to stop spiraling but continue the pull and thats when i meet god. This has happened once. It felt nice. Now I will list all the songs that give me the pull, 1. Thatorchia, 2. Onanist, 3. Dustbowl, 4. Sugar - Bladee. Now sometimes those songs don't give me the pull, but they usually do.

Thoughts

hello very much, i'm listening to homecoming by ethel cain and its exactly how I feel when i talk to people or like just be around other people I suppose. like i just feel like theres something I'm missing when i talk to other people. Like theres something they all know but I don't so I just awkwardly try to figure out what it is without looking like I'm a loser. And its like SO bad when I try to talk to other people that I'm not friends with because what the fuck do I even say. Usually I just hang around the same 5 people in hopes I look normal. I also like study their interactions with other people to try and behave like them. I feel like a fucking alien from another planet trying to perfect it's human cosplay. Like how the fuck do you even larp being a human dude sooob. The best I can do is look like the other girls in my school so I don't get judged on the spot. Like dude if i didn't lock in and look like the most basic bitch in the world id get SLIMED as soon as i even dare to take a breath on school grounds. theyre all going to laugh at me and they do bro i dont know if my friends are laughing at me or with me and I just want to stay alone for the rest of my life. Okay anyways, crying during sex and homecoming are my 2 most favorite unreleased and before any faggot bitch comes and attacks me, i know theyre her most popular unreleased get off my dick!!!! Theyre popular for a reason. Anyways, because its like I want to have sex I want to be able to be intimate with another person. Not even sex i just want to be able to get close to somebody, but we'll stick with the topic of sex. I am so so so scared of intimacy and like yes im 15 how much action am i gonna get anyways but still. I did so much in my last relationship that I forgot I was only 13 when we started dating. WHATEVER im getting SO off topic. I'm so scared and im too scared to get into another relationship I think. "Terrified you'll bite the hand that needs you / And right now I need you" This entire song is just a masterpiece and I will be quoting it to show u what I mean. I just want somebody stable in my life that I can be close with and they can trust me as well. I don't want to have to walk on eggshells to please the other person, like all my life I've needed to put on a performance for the other person to love me or show me the affection I neded at the time and I just want somebody that I can rely on and they can love me even with all my flaws. "I don't know what happened / I don't know what happened / I was young and sweet, and then something happened / Something overwhelming / Something everlasting" This is my favorite line in the WHOLE song. It just sums up my entire life I think. My memory is shit because I drank so much and nothing good happend to me as a kid so I have a shit ton of repressed memories. the only things I really remember is wanting to kill myself when i was 6 and then like crying. None of the memories I have are good and whenever I see a photo of me happy as a kid I wonder if thats really me or not. Not only that but my fear of intimacy comes from being groomed and assaulted as a kid and its like I don't want to 'blame' everything on it, I feel corny as fuck when I use that as my explaination as to why I'm not comfortable with anything but its true. Sometimes I grieve the person/child I could've been if I tried harder to stop everything from happening. I could've been normal. Sometimes i feel like its my fault that I'm alive. I've gotten in so many situations where I could've died easily and I wouldnt have to go through everything now but I never took the opportunity. And anyways I'm looking back at the last time and its like I could've done so much to stop him from touching me but I didn't. I was too scared and I forgot how to say stop or no. Like my throat was closing and all I could do was shake my head or look away. I could've done more but I didnt. Sometimes I feel like i deserved it. God all I want in life is somebody to love me. Whatever I hope things get better or something.

perversion and religious trauma

Recently i have revistited ethel cains perverts album, and it has made me think alot about how guilt and shame can turn into pleasure (?) and perversion. I'm no professor or anything, so if none of this makes sense uhhh idk really.. I dont really know how to start this off because I just have a bunch of thoughts that link together so uhm, I guess i could base it off of the album songs since okay whatever ill start explaining. The first song is perverts, and it opens with a hymn. The lyrics repeat masturbator and then 'nobody you know is a good person', from my personal experience growing up around like a heavy pressure to be perfect and pure, led me to self hatred when I began to have sexual thoughts. This happens to pretty much every single person raised in christianity, atleast from the people I kmow. I started to hate myself and like thinking i was a horrible person that deserved to die. And it is such a like tense (?) cycle? I guess? Where i knew it felt good but every night I would kneel on my floor and pray for hours for forgiveness. Kinda stupid to say but i was 8 when this happened. Slowly I did come to terms with the fact that everybody masturbates and its fine, but that doesn't mean I didn't still hate myself over it. Punish is a song about pedophiles, Now to clarify I Am Not a pedophile nor do I have any attraction towards kids. "punish is about a pedophile who was shot by the child’s father and now lives in exile where he physically maims himself to simulate the bullet wound in order to punish himself" - ethel cain. I find pedophiles interesting, because like what happens in your life that makes you that fucked up? Cycle of abuse is also very intriguing to me. Like with Leland and Laura palmer. Personally I take it as a person that has been assaulted, since later on she repeats "i am punished by love". I often feel like I have been punished by love. When i was young my parents never treated me well, and all my encounters with the people i 'fell in love with' have either assaulted or groomed me into doing something. Not great. I never really wanted to tell anybody this since I used to feel disgusting and unpure after what had happened to me. And I would cry to jesus to make my suffering stop, but ofcourse nothing happened. Around now Im like 10-11. I would want to tell my parents about what had happened to me but I couldn't because they would see me as unpure or touched by satan. It's kinda like in Carrie where she gets her period and her mom tweaks out, but like with being groomed and assaulted. Housofpsychoticwomn reminds me of my moms obsession with Jesus, one day she just kinda went psychotic and would say shit like she wanted to kill herself for jesus. And for a while it felt like she loved jesus more than she loved me. I do recall when i was 7 i asked her if she would kill me for jesus, because I just learned about when god asked abraham to sacrifice isaac. She said yes. I also asked her if she loved me more than jesus, and she said no. That led me down like an obsession to me righteous and like the beautiful christian daughter I suppose. Vacillator doesnt really have anything religious or sexual, but its a good song and I relate alot to it. My favorite lyrics from it is 'if you love me keep it to yourself'. I feel like that someties because after what I been through I dont feel worthy of accepting love, or I feel too scared too. Love is a hard thing for me and honestly I like being alone. Well its kinda 50/50, I like being alone because I am too frightened that the other person will hurt me, so I push everybody away until i feel like its safe again. I do not let people close to me often, theres like 2 people that have and one of them hurt me really badly so, idrk where im going with this tbh. Idk if anybody really knows me because Im retarded and I dont tell shit to anybody. Okay next is onanist. This is like my 2nd fav song on the album, it is so good and I relate to it somewhat. It's about this guy that gives up wanting to be righteous for self gratification. He says " I want to know love, I want to know what it feels like" And its just this beautiful beat drop that makes us all jump up and dance. I am somewhat the same, I would do alot for love, I mean not anymore but I did. I had this phase where I became desperate for somebody else to be my god essentially. And I started to become obsessed with the feeling of attention and what felt like love. I think my parents like ignoring me as a kid and not really spending time with me fucked me over. All of this happened when i was like 7/8-12/13. My first memory was my dad yelling and my mom ignoring me. And i would turn to god to feel loved and cared for but nothing happened. Anywho from that I turned over to sexual pleasure because it felt good and I could ignore everything that was going around. And at the same time I could get attention from it, so it was like revolutionary to me. However the self hatred started turning into me becoming a masochist. The shame and guilt turned into pleasure, and for a while I was really really really really really into being degraded. Not saying im not anymore but im less of a freak I suppose. But I think growing up in shame and guilt kinda caused me to become used to it and then into it. No clue how that works but its the same for pain. I guess its because thats how I see love. My parents used to say like "jesus punishes you because he loves you" or "I beat you beacuase I love you, and I yell because I care" So i would think that love came from pain and degradation. Okay im not even gonna lie bru i have no clue what pulldrone is about but I listen to it when i feel sick and it makes me feel even more sick. I do like the feeling of impending doom, idk if its because I used to feel it all the time or what. The next whatever songs dont really have anything religous so its kinda the end. I guess im just fucked for love. I wrote alot uhm i dont really have anymore thoughts on this im ngl. I have no idea how shame and guilt ties into perversion I just think they are linked. I want to figure out how but everytime i search for something I just get stuff for christians or like self help books. I will think harder I guess. Im gonna be honest I don't think I'll ever find love because I'm too scared of it and nobody wants to deal with my bs. Yeah maybe I look good whatever I can't really talk about this, but im fucked up mentally. Like ugh its pmo to talk about because I just sound annoying. But i hope you get my point. I dont want to have to tell somebody that I cant have sex with them because I'm scared. And then explain why. Ughaaaaaaaarrghhhh whatever. But i desperately want to be inlove so badly. A big reason why I don't want to be is because I get so attached its INSANE like i actually schizo out and its BAD. Like the last 50 times I relasped it was because of my ex. I was talking to my old friend recently, and she was just like "yeah maybe yall shouldnt have been together because I would read your blogs and it was bad" Am i just unlovable or something like what the frick. Im just unlucky I suppose. I do somewhat have a crush but dude I will never EVER tell him because I just cant. I just dont want to ruin my closest relationship I guess. Whatever man Im just not built for this i guess. whatever im going to bedmaxx

Updates

So much has happened in the last 2 months, I've been put on prozac and honestly nothing much has changed. I've been having really weird dreams and sometimes i feel really sick after taking it but its whatever. I think once I go back to school i'll see more improvement or something idk... bruuh Okay lets see whats new.
June : school ended, I got okay grades on my final exams. Could be worse since I didnt study like at all for any of them. I got like 80s or whatever idk I saw Evanescence but im not a big fan of their newest album so idk why i went. They had good music but their opener (spiritbox) was better imo. I do like spiritbox alot but I just havent really listened through some of their albums yet. and then june 29th I think i flew out to italy. Idk couldve been the 28th.
July : I was in Italy. Not fun, the first week i was just extremely tired + homesick. I wouldn't say it was the worst week of my life but definitely one of them. It was okay, just really really really hot. The food was fine, I gave up looking for good resturaunts so we just ate whatever. However, I did go to this one small town and they had tuscan style food (?) idk the right description. It was very good and they had good bread soup. Other than that it was kinda whatever since I just bought clothes from brandy + subdued. And then I bought some perfumes which was nice. Then around like july 10th i came home I think. Before I left for italy I was watching twin peaks with my le heking best friend from sweden so when I came back we finished season 1 and finished half of season 2. I like twin peaks but season 2 was so boring.. dont slime me for that. I do really like the movie though, so I'm excited to watch that with him. I downloaded signal for him, and I like it, it's nice but none of my friends use it besides him so I can't really say too much about it. I do like the notification sound, its a small pop and i find it entertaining. Like the entire rest of July was just spent with him so which is awesome. I watched Prisoners, Carrie, Christiane F, Eyes Wide Shut, Obsession, Backrooms, and probably more.. I'll rank them here : Obsession, Prisoners, Backrooms, and then Eyes Wide Shut. I already watched carrie and christiane F so its whatever. Obsession was great, amazing and I would watch again. Prisoners was very intriguing, I liked it when he tortured the guy it was interesting. Backrooms was okay, I feel like it was overhyped and I expected more. Eyes Wide Shut was also very good but i have no clue what any of it meant. The dude was just a cuck the entire time?? The cult part was amazing and I loved the music but like it was nothing really. Thats kinda it for what ive been doing, uhh I'm gonna redo my about page and like idk something.