what do i even dooo bruuuuhhhh I have nothing I have NOTHIGN!! I'm chopped as frik, my mom calls me a waste of her genetics bro like how does it get worse. Okay i think if i relasped that would be considered as getting worse but shit that pink blade is CALLING my name! Zoo wee mama! I'm lazy and I just dont do anything because im not that interesting I guess. All I do is like lay around and listen to music and then cry from time to time. 😭😭😭😭 and like I'm insecure about EVERYTHING im not quite sure anybody really knows me because I hate myself and I feel disgusting when I let another person get too close to me. Everything that has happened to me is kinda my fault like if i just killed myself when I was 8 or something then all of this wouldn't have happened and for the BETTER golly jee. I swear every time I let somebody get close to me they always find a way to hurt me i guess. Which is awful when youre in love, which i AM and thats a WHOLE other problem but ill get to that later. Like yes I want to be able to be close and intimate with you, yes I want to be able to get close and be affectionate, but its like everytime I want to I get a panic attack or I can't speak anymore because I'm so scared. I'm just scared of everything bc im a loser I suppose. Ok. I'm in love with my best friend, and i've had a little crush on him before so its kinda like whatever but its even worse right now because hes all that I talk to and before it was like I liked him but i could distract myself. because whenever I think of love it scares me and I have this insane cortisol spike. Like just talking about it makes my heartbeat go up to 20 billion beats per millisecond. I love him very much idk if he likes me back which is #sad but its whatever because its online so if he rejects me ATLEAST i don't have to interact with him everyday like he went to my school. If i had a crush on my bestfriend at school I think i wouldve shot myself in the head like no joke all i want in life is to be loved and somehow thats really hard I Guess. Bruh BRuh BRUh BRUH!!! uuggghghhhghghh kill me pleassee. I'm listening to homesoming by ethel cain and its NOT HELPING!! 😢😢😢😢 I'M DESPERATE FOR YOU 😢😢😢😭😭😭😭 (lyrics bc im a nonchalant blud that never is desperate for anybody) Im just soooo fed up idk I need to take a bath asap I'm so so so so upset I just want to tell him but im GAY and im too SCARED and im a FAG AARRGHHH!!! I'm scared hes going to hate me im scared that everybody hates me. They're all going to laugh at me or whatever carrie said. I think the worst thing that has happened to me is calling my exbf crying asking him why he did that to me and then him crying and saying that he didn't know and then I had to lowkey comfort him after. Boi you friggen molested me but only lowkey tho Like is it even sexual assualt if I didnt try to push him off, I mean I did i just kinda let him do whatever #loser? #victim maybe idk okay im gonna showermaxx and bathtubmaxx

So much has happened in the last 2 months, I've been put on prozac and honestly nothing much has changed. I've been having really weird dreams and sometimes i feel really sick after taking it but its whatever. I think once I go back to school i'll see more improvement or something idk... bruuh Okay lets see whats new.
June : school ended, I got okay grades on my final exams. Could be worse since I didnt study like at all for any of them. I got like 80s or whatever idk I saw Evanescence but im not a big fan of their newest album so idk why i went. They had good music but their opener (spiritbox) was better imo. I do like spiritbox alot but I just havent really listened through some of their albums yet. and then june 29th I think i flew out to italy. Idk couldve been the 28th.
July : I was in Italy. Not fun, the first week i was just extremely tired + homesick. I wouldn't say it was the worst week of my life but definitely one of them. It was okay, just really really really hot. The food was fine, I gave up looking for good resturaunts so we just ate whatever. However, I did go to this one small town and they had tuscan style food (?) idk the right description. It was very good and they had good bread soup. Other than that it was kinda whatever since I just bought clothes from brandy + subdued. And then I bought some perfumes which was nice. Then around like july 10th i came home I think. Before I left for italy I was watching twin peaks with my le heking best friend from sweden so when I came back we finished season 1 and finished half of season 2. I like twin peaks but season 2 was so boring.. dont slime me for that. I do really like the movie though, so I'm excited to watch that with him. I downloaded signal for him, and I like it, it's nice but none of my friends use it besides him so I can't really say too much about it. I do like the notification sound, its a small pop and i find it entertaining. Like the entire rest of July was just spent with him so which is awesome. I watched Prisoners, Carrie, Christiane F, Eyes Wide Shut, Obsession, Backrooms, and probably more.. I'll rank them here : Obsession, Prisoners, Backrooms, and then Eyes Wide Shut. I already watched carrie and christiane F so its whatever. Obsession was great, amazing and I would watch again. Prisoners was very intriguing, I liked it when he tortured the guy it was interesting. Backrooms was okay, I feel like it was overhyped and I expected more. Eyes Wide Shut was also very good but i have no clue what any of it meant. The dude was just a cuck the entire time?? The cult part was amazing and I loved the music but like it was nothing really. Thats kinda it for what ive been doing, uhh I'm gonna redo my about page and like idk something.

im gay